ONCE UPON A WINE

We ate at a festive round table tonight

I'll regale this royal feast

He ordered a fancy label tonight

And so courted a magic beast

Its name Merlot twas this he bought

Its herald a Columbia crest

They tangled and twisted in vines they fought

I witnessed the bloody rest

He drove that dragon then sheathed his sword

As it slipped away and vanished

He bested that beast and claimed reward

The kingdom now free of the banished

Good things come to those who wait

And dead men tell no tales

We quipped and quoted as we ate

And raised our Holy Grails

WINE LOVER

RED RED RED

You wake me up

And put me to bed

To screw your cap, or pop your cork, I dream

I drink deep your yeasty nose

Your full body delicately aging

My pleasure as you breathe

I thumb your musky punt

Now with my tongue on your rosé rim

And your sweet blush on

And your skin tan in

I suckle at your dark green hole

And after I've drunk and sipped

And after you've wiped my flute

And after you poured your heart out

My vine ready, I kiss your lip again

And though my love's a little older

And to me you gave this candle holder

And though you'll change your name and face

To you I give my gift, a vase.

A Saturday Night Wine Flight: Constructing The Perfect Trial

Prima facie

In the annuls of time tested analysis, steeped in tradition and proven methodologies, are the rigorous and scientific standards by which wine is judged.  The Brothers Grimes© strictly adhere to these well-established protocols and always challenge themselves in creating a near perfect double-blind tasting experience.  In the end, the best wine always wins, but how we get there involves a lot of teamwork and legal wrangling, some dirty politics, but mostly science.  Accusations of treachery, slight-of-hand, and even the old switcheroo are as of yet, not proven!

Collecting the Evidence

The doorbell rings:  We hear the jingle and clink of bottles, goblets, and gifts.  The tantalizing smell of baked brie and bruschetta.  The muffled whispers and snickers and sneers.  The hopeful hungry eyes of wishful wine warriors.  The content grin of the confident against the grimace of the grotesque and defeated.  You’ve been invited to another The Brothers Grimes© Saturday Night Wine Flight and Tasting Trial.  Fasten your seatbelts; we’re about to take-off! 

Bourbon of Proof

Nowhere does it say that a quick scotch talk and shots skews the proceedings—The Brothers Grimes© have previously ruled on this.

Official Brothers Grimes© wine tastings routinely focus on common reds; Merlies (Merlots), Pee-Nots (Pinot Noir), and Gamey-Bo’s (Gamay Beaujolais), Zins (Zinfandel), Shirlz (Shiraz) and Syrahs, Cabs (Cabernet Sauvignon), and select Meritages.  Few prerequisites are required—only that they be ordinary market purchases (usually under $20) typically found in the mid-shelf range of your better supermarkets.  Of course, scoring well or even winning with a lower shelf purchase (a “bottom bottle”) can result in unbelievable exaltation for the one, and shock and awe for everyone else.

Swearing In

The participant’s wine entries are kept secret and concealed in their wrinkled paper ‘wino sacks’—now that’s class!  At this point yelling and bidding may develop as experienced members vie for pole position at petty attempts to destabilize established tasting protocols.  If the coup d'état is rebuked, a quick toast ensues.  After initial arguments are considered, and “ferreting out the mole” is accomplished, two of the The Brothers Grimes© team members are selected to open and prepare the bottles for the nights trial flight.

Voir Dire

Behind the scenes: Wines are opened and poured into glass carafes and allowed to breathe for an hour.  This process allows for a “leveling of the playing field” as younger wines ($) relax and maximize their potential, while older wines ($$) unlock their full complexity.  Even older wines ($$$) brought by “better guests” may actually begin to accidentally degenerate and self-destruct if over aerated.  The Brothers Grimes© are conscious of this and will adjust breathing times as needed ($$$$).

Jury Instructions

Matching stickers, numbers, letters, symbols or other markings are attached to the carafes, and also to their corresponding covered bottles.  This way the tasters will blind judge carafes labeled ‘A’, ‘B’, ‘1’, ‘2’, ‘Question Mark’, ‘Cross’, ‘Double Cross’, etc.  Ballots are also created to include the appropriate markings.

Malicious Prosecution

Label selection and the art of creating interesting labels are important and lead to an entertaining and memorable tasting.  Guests often enjoy pondering over the nuances of nom de plumes like “Blue Dino”, “Red Boat”, and “Green Truck”.  However, guests are warned that late or ‘troubling’ entries may result in “luck of the draw” labeling like, “Blah”, “Fungus” or “Urinal Cake”.  Some strategic bias building as well as extreme laughing, speculation, and bellyaching often result from creative label forethought and execution.

Inquisition

Though brief conversations about the varietals and/or vintages may occur before the tasting, exact label discussion is strictly forbidden as dinner guests are reminded not to get “too chatty” or even to “zip-it!” if necessary. Penalties for loose lips may lead to lesser participation during the canapé and crudité rounds, overtly skipped seconds at mealtime, brief expulsion or even banishment!  [At banishment, the guest’s wine is immediately confiscated—thus removing it from competition—and enjoyed by The Brothers Grimes© and their friends.  Titillating tongue-lashings, rapid-fire insults, and contents of the spit bucket are flung at the banished.]  The Brothers Grimes© believe this break in the tension provides some necessary comedy relief and relaxes the esprit de corps as everyone enjoys a hearty laugh.

Due Process

Dinner is kept fairly light but still highly gourmet as The Brothers Grimes©’ palates are attuned to California haute cuisine and a “Gelsons or better” standard of quality.  [Though Ralph’s (the poorer mans Gelsons) is acceptable, it’s usually not noted.]  Minimal gastronomical satisfaction is achieved through assorted imported cheeses, fine fresh fish and crustaceans, brochette of game, French Fricassée, Barbeque Nouveau, and costly foods exported from the Far Eastern Orient like Chinese Take-Out. 

Jury Tampering

At any time the Host may “suggest” that a “lesser guest’s” wine entry be sacrificed as a starter wine for dinner—obviously removing it from competition.  Though this action is a slap in the face to the savvy sommelier, most guests mistakenly consider it a mark of excellence and actually reflect fondly upon it!  Otherwise, various Grigios, Champagnes, Pruseccos, and other sparkling whites or blushes may prepare the palate; sharpen the tongue, and ready soul.

Common Law

It is the Host’s responsibility to signal the start, sound the alarm, wave the flag, fire the first volley, and officially begin the wine tasting ceremonies.  [Beware: the Host may sporadically start the competition even if all guests are not present.  Some tasters may be indisposed in the lavatory, preparing demanded food, abducted by children or pets, or otherwise engaged.  THIS IS NOT THE HOST’S RESPONSIBILITY OR CONCERN!  If you snooze, you lose!  Even moonshining hooch-hogs will tell yah “Always keep your eyes on the Ball jar!”  Wine tasting is very scientific.  Its doctrine and dogma are long established, tested, and too complex to explain to the average guest—or so it is written.

Plea Bargain

At this point, everything is “on the table” literally and figuratively.  Whatever happens will happen as guests sip, swill, swig, chug, slosh, spit, frown, recoil, gag, smile, laugh, snort, whistle, off-gas and aerate.  As tasters furiously evaluate and score the panel of wines before them, The Brothers Grimes©’ quick-witted quips may sting some sippers, as under the breath whispers of “..goat piss.., ..Kool-aid.., ..joke wine.., or ..gone to vinegar!” elicit gasps and groans.  Particular “key guests” may attempt to covet and collect certain carafes—indicating possible wine winners—while the Host keeps “the keepers” moving along.  

The Tribunal

Scoring methodologies are usually agreed to during opening arguments.  The Brothers Grimes© have evaluated wines differently over the years accumulating data and articulating ‘wine specific’ tasting notes (i.e., body, bouquet, nose, “drinkability”, balance, acidity, structure, “presumptuousness”, finish, “flashiness” et al.)  Modern times and contemporary connoisseurs like The Brothers Grimes© decree a more scientific “1 to 10—Ten being best” method of scoring. 

Settlement

The tasting ends when the last ballot is completed and submitted.  Typical tastings may last thirty minutes to an hour or more depending on present company, current conversation, and of course the tastiness of the wines.  A guest of “accountable merit” is now selected to collect the ballots, review the scores, and present the findings.

Double Jeopardy

Starting with lowest scoring losers first, the wines (and their buyers) are pulled from their wrinkled bags and exposed one-by-one.  The same is done with their wines.  At first, losing wines may go unclaimed, but under heavy cross-examination they soon reveal their secret agent.  Average scored wines and guests (a.k.a. The Bell Curve Crew) are also uncovered and considered “safe”.  Ultimately, The Brothers Grimes©’ wine is uncloaked and flaunted about in a finale of fanfare and coaxed applause.  Though under heavy scrutiny and attention to vintage and price, the winner is grudgingly congratulated.

Presumption of Innocence

The tasting now concludes with the appropriate apologies and/or excuses as needed by the guilty and innocent alike.  Adjournment brings thanks and praise to the Host and Hostess for such a lovely and exciting evening.  Congratulations!  You have made it through The Brothers Grimes© Wine Tasting Trial.

Retrial

The Brothers Grimes© Wine Tastings are exclusive events that receive many requests by wishful participants.  Sadly, these are limited engagements and not open to all requestors ($).  However, some are accepted ($$) during slower periods.  But, only a few ($$$) are invited to dust off their “Bottom Bottle” and join in The Brothers Grimes© sensational Saturday Night Wine Flight!  Good Luck!